Holly Marlow
Adoption, Fostering and Special Guardianship
Creating a Life Story Book can be a daunting task. It’s important to be honest and clear about what has happened, using child-appropriate explanations. Ideally, a Life Story Book will be put together by a child’s social worker or life story work therapist, who knows them well, however this is not always possible. Click the button below to download an editable, printable Life Story Book template in PowerPoint, including example text and child-friendly illustrations. Or read on, for more tips about talking to children about adoption!
I started talking to my son about adoption a couple of weeks after he moved in with us at 13 months old. I told him his story in simple terms from an early age, adding details gradually as his understanding grew.
While we were waiting for his life story book to be completed, I used a few photos of my son’s birth parents, and an album from his foster family that ends with photos of us during introductions.
I keep a family photo of us all framed right next to the photo albums, so that I wouldn’t forget to start off life story chats with a little reminder that we are his family now. When my son was little, a couple of times a month (more often if he’d been emotional or rejecting me a lot), I would ask if he wanted to look at the photos. Occasionally he would suggest it himself, but 90% of the time I suggested it.
I used to run through this sort of “script,” for want of a better word (fake names used throughout, to protect privacy):
1. Pointing at the photo of our family, I’d say “that’s our family! We’re the Marlows!” Then I’d point at each of us and ask him “who’s that?” and he’d say our names. I kept doing this long after he could say everyone’s names, as he enjoyed the routine and it reinforced that we are a family.
2. I got out the photos of his birth family, who are cuddling him in the photos, and said “that’s Becky! You grew in her tummy and then she cuddled you. And that’s Carl! He cuddled you when you came out of Becky’s tummy. You lived with them for a little bit, but they couldn’t look after you, so then you went to live with Karen.” Sometimes I’d comment on the scene in the photo and mention that you can see that Becky likes dogs, Carl likes cars, etc, to try to humanise them a little more. I treasure the little snippets of information I have from social workers and the foster carer, which enable me to do this for my son.
As my son’s understanding grew, I started to add a bit more detail, such as “the social worker realised that Becky and Carl couldn’t look after you, so you couldn’t live with them” and later even more detail, explaining that “the social worker spoke to a judge who knows all about keeping children safe. The judge listened very carefully and thought very hard, and decided you needed a new family.” After a while, I introduced more specific terminology – “the judge said you should be adopted into a new family, so we adopted you.”
3. After talking about the birth family, I moved on to the album from the foster family. I asked him to identify them, as he enjoyed it, and I’d say “you lived with them until you were 1! They looked after you and then the social worker found us to be your family.” We usually spent a few minutes looking at the photos and talking about what they did together and I always reminded him that they loved him and looked after him.
4. Then I flick to the photos of our first meetings and say something like “This is when we met you! Now you’re in our family and you’re a Marlow! And I’m your Mummy, and Daddy’s your Daddy, and Zoe’s your big sister! And you’re my son and Daddy’s son and Zoe’s brother! We’re all in this family! We’re the Marlows!” etc. I make it a bit repetitive, in the hopes that it sinks in! He sometimes pipes up with “we all live here and we all love each other,” which I adore. 
I used almost the same words each time, and he seemed to enjoy the repetition. As his understanding grew, I added more detail. After a while, he knew the story so well that he didn’t need to be reminded, and he became less interested in going through the photos, but more interested in asking questions. I try to answer truthfully, and sometimes that means admitting that I don’t know. Fortunately, we have some contact with his biological family, so I am sometimes able to find out the answers to his questions.
I casually talk about my son’s birth parents’ interests that I’m aware of, e.g. a social worker told us what kind of music birth father is into, and noted down a couple of his favourite bands, so I can play that music to my son and tell him that his birth father likes it. Although I haven’t managed to get through a song yet, as my son requests his favourite nursery rhymes instead! 
I make sure we watch TV shows that include adoption and other different families.
I read my book, “Delly Duck: Why A Little Chick Couldn’t Stay With His Birth Mother” to my son (which can be found on Amazon if you search for the title or “Holly Marlow”). I wrote it partly for this purpose and partly to explain adoption to his big sister. I say things like “Little Chick was adopted like you!” and “Caring Goose found the right family for him, just like the social worker found us to be your family!” and “Quill is his family now, like I’m your Mummy!”
When we do role play with dinosaurs or dolls, we put them into families, then decide which of them “grew in their Mum’s tummy,” which were adopted and which are the foster families. It all helps to normalise adoption and understand the process. He’s even starting to talk about what he thinks the dinosaurs might be feeling as the baby one moves from birth family to foster family, to adoptive family.
In a way, we even do little snippets of life story work whenever we cross a road or talk about healthy eating, because we talk about how we are his parents and so it is our responsibility to keep him safe and help him to be healthy.
When I’m talking about anything in the future, I try to find a way to mention our family. For example, my son told me he’s going to buy an orange car when he grows up, so I said I am excited to see it and I asked him if he will drive me to places. We talked a lot about the different places he will take me to, and our other family members. Sometimes we talk about where we will go when he has children, and I say things like “you like this soft play, don’t you? When you have children, we can bring them here! I will be their Grandma!” My daughter is brilliant at this, as she often talks about her future and always includes her little brother in her big plans. I also keep clothes for my son to grow into, so that he can see that I’m planning for his future and expect to be in it. Although I’ve told him many times that I will always be his Mum now, he seems to benefit from actions that show this. Actions really are more effective than words!
I believe that talking to children about their adoption from a very young age enables a child to process their feelings about adoption in smaller (hopefully more manageable) chunks, and ensures that they know they can always ask questions about their biological family. I wouldn’t dream of claiming that it fixes everything, or that this approach will work for all children, but I feel it has worked well for us, and I hope that sharing this will help some parents and carers who are struggling to find the right words.
