I used to think my son had a lot of fears. He asks “what would you do if…?” followed by a terrifying scenario. With time, I’ve realised he’s not actually afraid these things will happen. He just wants to hear how I would protect him. It’s a test for me, Mum #3. The Mum who promises to be his Mum forever must prove that she is up to the challenge!
I still explain why it won’t happen, just in case there’s a real worry too, but he’s started to pre-empt that, asking “I know wolves don’t live in the wild in this country, and they can’t get here because there’s sea in the way that’s too far for them to swim, and they wouldn’t know the way, and they wouldn’t want to come here anyway, because it wouldn’t be the right temperature for them, and they would be too frightened to try to come in our house, and they can’t open doors, BUT… if a wolf DID come up the stairs and try to eat me right now, what would you do?”
So I explain (again) that in nature, parents protect their babies, and a wolf would know that they should stay back if they see me protecting him. I try to find the right balance, so that he knows I’m fiercely protective of him, but he won’t think I’m scary. I don’t want to hurt the wolf, but I would if that was the only way to protect my family. I’d clap and shout to shock the wolf. I’d stand up straight to look as intimidating as I can at 5 ft 1. I’d throw things to distract/unnerve it, and most importantly, I’d protect my children and get them to safety.
My son asks questions to make the challenge harder. What if there are lots of wolves? What if the wolf is MASSIVE? What if it can move faster than you, Mummy? What if it’s stronger? What if it bit you? I explain that adrenaline would make me stronger and faster, and help me to cope with pain.
The effects of attachment trauma can be subtle. When my biological daughter was younger, she also heard fairy tales that led her to ask me what I’d do if a wolf came to our home, but the difference is that my daughter just needed to know that she was safe. When my adopted son asks me about wolves, he needs reassurance that I am committed to keeping him safe, no matter how massive and terrifying that challenge may be. Thankfully for me, that doesn’t usually involve wolves!
