Holly Marlow
Adoption, Fostering and Special Guardianship
Most adoptive families in the UK nowadays receive a “life story book” or something similar from the adoption agency or council. It can be a helpful tool for conversations about why they have ended up in the family they’re in, but it’s just one tool. Below I will share strategies for talking to children about adoption, which are mostly also applicable to children living in foster care and kinship care.
Ideally, a Life Story Book will be put together by a child’s social worker or life story work therapist, who knows them well, however this is not always possible. Click the button below to download an editable, printable Life Story Book template in PowerPoint, including example text, advice, and child-friendly illustrations. Or read on, for more tips about talking to children about adoption, foster care or kinship care.
I started talking to my son about adoption and his time in foster care a couple of weeks after he moved in with us at 13 months old. I told him his story in simple terms from an early age, adding details gradually as his understanding grew.
While we were waiting for his life story book to be completed, I used a few photos of my son’s birth parents, and an album from his foster family that ends with photos of us during introductions. I kept a family photo of us all framed right next to the photo albums, so that I wouldn’t forget to start off life story chats with a little reminder that we are his family now. When my son was little, a couple of times a month (more often if he’d been emotional or rejecting me a lot), I would ask if he wanted to look at the photos.
I used to run through this sort of structure (fake names used throughout, to protect privacy):
1. Pointing at the photo of our family, I’d say “that’s our family! We’re the Marlows!” I’d point at each of us and ask him “who’s that?” and he’d say our names. I kept doing this long after he could say everyone’s names, as he enjoyed the routine and it reinforced that we are a family.
2. I got out the photos of his birth family, who are cuddling him in the photos, and said “that’s Becky! You grew in her tummy and then she cuddled you. And that’s Carl! He cuddled you when you came out of Becky’s tummy. You lived with them for a little bit, but they couldn’t look after you, so then you went to live with Karen.” Sometimes I’d comment on the scene in the photo and mention that you can see that Becky likes dogs, Carl likes cars, etc, to try to humanise them a little more. I treasure the little snippets of information I have from social workers and the foster carer, which enable me to do this for my son.
As my son’s understanding grew, I started to add a bit more detail, such as “the social worker realised that Becky and Carl couldn’t look after you, so you couldn’t live with them” and later even more detail, explaining that “the social worker spoke to a judge who knows all about keeping children safe. The judge listened very carefully and thought very hard, and decided you needed a new family.” After a while, I introduced more specific terminology – “the judge said you should be adopted into a new family, so we adopted you.”
3. After talking about the birth family, I moved on to the album from the foster family. I asked him to identify them, as he enjoyed it, and I’d say “you lived with them until you were 1! They looked after you and then the social worker found us to be your family.” We usually spent a few minutes looking at the photos and talking about what they did together and I always reminded him that they loved him and looked after him.
4. Towards the end of the photo album from the foster family, there are some photos of our first meetings, which made it very easy to turn to those and point us out, saying things like “This is when we met you! Now you’re in our family and you’re a Marlow! I’m your Mummy, and Daddy’s your Daddy, and Zoe’s your big sister! And you’re my son and Daddy’s son and Zoe’s brother! We’re all in this family! We’re the Marlows!” etc. With little ones, repetition can be reassuring, so don’t worry about it if you find yourself saying the same sort of thing a few times. My son used to repeat “we all live here and we all love each other,” after I said it once and he liked that.
As his understanding grew, I added more detail. After a while, my son knew the story so well that he didn’t need to be reminded, and he became less interested in going through the photos, but more interested in asking questions. I try to answer truthfully, and sometimes that means admitting that I don’t know. Fortunately, we have some contact with his biological family, so I am sometimes able to find out the answers to his questions.
I casually talk about my son’s birth parents’ interests. A social worker told us what kind of music my son’s birth father is into, and noted down a couple of his favourite bands, so I can play that music to my son and tell him that his birth father likes it.
I make sure we watch TV shows that include adoption and other different families.
I read my book, Delly Duck to my son, and draw parallels with his story, saying things like “Little Chick was adopted like you! Caring Goose found the right family for him, just like the social worker found us to be your family!”
When my son was little, we would do role play with dinosaurs or dolls, and put them into families, deciding which of them “grew in their Mum’s tummy,” which were adopted and which were foster families. It helped normalise adoption and understand the process. As he got older, he began to talk about what he thought the dinosaurs might be feeling as a child dinosaur moved from birth family to foster family, to adoptive family.
Sometimes daily activities become opportunities to lay the foundation for life story work, by explaining what parents should do. When crossing a road, asking my children to wear hats in the sun, putting sun cream on them, and cooking healthy meals, I would explain that we are their parents and so it is our responsibility to keep them safe and help them to be healthy.
When I’m talking about anything in the future, I try to find a way to mention our family. For example, my son told me he’s going to buy an orange car when he grows up, so I said I was excited to see it and I asked him if he will drive when we go to places together. We talked a lot about the different places he will take me to, and our other family members. Sometimes we talk about where we will go when he has children, and I say things like “you like this soft play, don’t you? When you have children, we can bring them here! I will be their Grandma!” My daughter is brilliant at this, as she often talks about her future and always includes her little brother in her big plans. Another easy way to bring the future into conversations is to talk about how they’re getting bigger and stronger, and they’ll be able to help with more and different household tasks in a few years.
I also keep clothes for my son to grow into, so that he can see that I’m planning for his future and expect to be in it. Although I’ve told him many times that I will always be his Mum now, he seems to benefit from actions that show that I mean that. Actions really are more effective than words!
I believe that talking to children about their adoption from a very young age enables a child to process their feelings about adoption in smaller (hopefully more manageable) chunks, and ensures that they know they can always ask questions about their biological family. I wouldn’t dream of claiming that it fixes everything, or that this approach will work for all children, but I feel it has worked well for us, and I hope that sharing this will help some parents and carers who are struggling to find the right words.
